Sunday, April 18, 2010

April


April has historically been one of my favorite months. Springtime, baseball, the promise of summer to come... My favorite flowers, bluebonnets are in bloom (at least here in Texas). At one time (sixish years ago) I wanted to get married in April. But it turned out to the be the month that I separated from my husband. In the last couple of weeks, I've been struggling emotionally with the anniversary of the demise of my marriage. A failed marriage is horrid... realizing that the person who was supposed to love you really doesn't think that you're important or that your feelings count. Some things were said that are difficult to remember. It's a lot to overcome.

I am moving on... in as emotionally a healthy way as I think I can. I saw a counselor for a while and she's available if I think I need to see her again. I'm developing boundaries that seem to work for me. Hopefully in years to come, the month of April won't be a reminder of a horrible time. I'm pretty sure that it'll just be a blip in the radar... something that later I shock myself by happily not remembering.

I'm keeping myself busy with 5ks, 10ks, plans with friends and family. Those times alone in the car or on the treadmill are when the thoughts come back. The counselor said that I can expect to deal with the grief for at least three years. So I can logically tell myself that I'm healthy in these emotions. A friend (who is a psychologist) said that I'm going through anniversary grief (like anniversary of the initial grief). I think she had a better term for it. I've just got to deal with the emotions and keep moving forward.

April 18th was a special day for me for so many years. I hate that it didn't go as it should have.

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